i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
