Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
