This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
not ubering you a puppy
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
