Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
being pregnant is like rehab
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
