Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
