he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
