I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
