I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
