Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
