2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
