Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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