Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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