Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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