So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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