Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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