Whatcha textin bout Willis?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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