Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
