I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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