I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
