The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
