Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize