I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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