Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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