I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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