dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
