i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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