after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Randomize
