The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
