I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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