I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We have so much sex to catch up on
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
