My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
