She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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