the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
