so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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