Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We just shotgunned beers for America
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
