Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
