i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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