I wanna bring you to show and tell
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
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