I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
