i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
