my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
