i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
