yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
