The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
