When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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