I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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