We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
