Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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