My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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