i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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