Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
NoShamevember. You game?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
