I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
