Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I wish they made helmets for livers.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
