i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
