Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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