well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
