the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
