i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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