I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
