Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Four minutes until I can fart!
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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