That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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