I seem to have left my pride at pride
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
