just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
