can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
