and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
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Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
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Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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