Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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