On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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