apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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